It feels so hard just sitting here feeling like a failure. Why doesn’t my fortune change, why are there obstacles upon obstacles in my life? Baby, I realize now that you are in a better place.

Away from all the hurts, pains, disappointments, and fears. I wish you would have taken me away with you. Now I wouldn’t be drowning in this loneliness, sorrow, heart break and pain. I feel jealous you are happy in Heaven, I on the other hand am not okay baby. I am drowning in my own sorrows that have refused to let me go. Clutching at my throat, especially my heart, so bad it hurts terribly.

I wonder how you are up there. I know your Father is taking good care of you. I wish I had the chance to take care of you. Love you. Feed you. Clothe you. Sing for you. Play with you. Sleep next to you. I wish all that baby… and so much more…

I will not cry anymore. That is a lie my heart will not accept. Tears well in my eyes writing this. Then they drop. Because it is so unreal, yet so real at the same time. Where do I go from here… after I am healed, then what baby? Will I even heal? Maybe I don’t want to heal. So that your pain in my heart can remind me you really were present in my life. For a second. And then you were gone. Gone from me. Gone from my hands, and gone forever… I Hesitate for a moment, but then tears still fall… again…

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