Shades of many shades in my soul

Has been turning me around in my bed

Drinking tea from a ceramic tea cup of chinese origins

Driving myself into a rollercoaster of dirty emotions

Needing to speak to someone who knows my pain

Big bangs of loosing control of my own sanity

Sparks of fire

Smoke

Peaceless nights

Spectacles intact

Windscreen shouting in danger Turning everything upside down Concious of a cold

Shivers in the night

White handkerchiefs of a 19th centuty gentleman

Paddles in muddy weather of raindrops

Washing my soul with laxatives, painkillers, eyeing that meth

Just to numb the pains of shades in my soul

This glass of wine

This cup of tea

This mug of porridge

Staring at a fish bowl, gold fish trying to find Nemo

Loss of you baby

Loss of myself

Loss of my existence

Loss of my identity

Loss of my sanity

Dances

Make no careless whispers in the night, upholding a strength of possession

Say a prayer of broken hallelujah to the single lone star in the blue night sky

Pastures of broken frontiers green with fertile lands

Seeking mercy

Searching hope

Feeding faith

Harvests in summer

Tales with static meaning of surprise dates

Wanting to shed off weight of grief without horror of pain

Partly cloudy

Shades of many shades in my soul

If this resonated with you, you are not alone. Grief can feel isolating, but your story matters. If you feel comfortable, I invite you to share your journey, whether through a few words, a poem, or a personal experience. Your voice could be the comfort someone else is searching for.  Leave a comment below, or,

You can share your stories through griefpoetry@gmail.com

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This poem is about the overwhelming emotional turmoil that follows the loss of a baby and the way grief can consume every aspect of a person’s life. The phrase “Shades of many shades in my soul” suggests that grief is not a single emotion but a mixture of sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness, and despair.

The poem describes sleepless nights, racing thoughts, and a sense of losing control, creating an image of someone trapped in an emotional storm that they cannot easily escape.

The poem also explores the desperate search for relief from pain. Everyday objects such as tea, wine, porridge, and even a fish bowl become symbols of distraction and attempts to cope with overwhelming sorrow.

References to painkillers and the temptation to numb the pain reveal how grief can drive a person to seek anything that might lessen their suffering.

At the center of this struggle is not only the loss of a baby but also the loss of identity, stability, and a sense of self. The repeated declarations of “Loss of you baby,” “Loss of myself,” and “Loss of my sanity” show how deeply intertwined the speaker’s grief is with their understanding of who they are.

Despite the darkness, the poem contains a quiet search for healing and hope. Images of prayer, faith, fertile lands, harvests, and a lone star in the night sky suggest a longing for comfort and renewal. The poem seeks mercy, hope, and the strength to carry the weight of grief without being destroyed by it.

While the poem does not offer easy answers or complete healing, it portrays grief as a journey through emotional darkness where the possibility of recovery still exists. The closing repetition of “Shades of many shades in my soul” reminds us that grief is complex, ever-changing, and deeply personal, leaving its mark on every corner of the heart.